What is this feeling? Is it cause i'm tired? Is that y i'm thinking so much? I dont want to think so much...I've stopped thinking that much long ago... I'm having some weird mixed feelings...and I know this might attract some unneccessary attention...I dunno...i'm just sitting here in front of my pc in the office..and i cant help but think of many things...I know i'm definitely happy about something...but at the same time..i'm worried about something...lol..hao luan..its been some time since i last felt this way..Maybe I'll feel better after a good rest...or when i'm less tired..just maybe...and maybe i'll delete this post after that...

Sorry to keep u guys confused and wondering whats going on...its time like this i'd rather this post be a "private" post...Yes i'm very happy...cause i'm no longer just an entertainer...I'm also an entertainee..if there's such a word...but why i'm having the other feeling I really dunno...Is it cause i'm just afraid? or isit cause i have low self esteem? ahaha..wo feng le..think i'm seriously tired...but nvm ba..i only know that one day..i'll tell the right person at the right time..anw..Its seriously nothing that will affect anyone seriously..its just me..and something very private..so dont worry...I believe things will just turn out fine..:)

Meanwhile, maybe i'll just blog about some thoughts that have always stood within my mind...since i dunno when...However, i've always felt it was unnecessary to talk too deeply into it...but since i've started this post...I might as well talk about it.....

Well..have anyone of u felt like its really tough being a human or a person? There's just too much to think about...too much to expect..too much to do...and too much to feel...ok..this has gotta be the most pessimistic post i'm ever gonna post..I hope....lol...Yes..there are actually things to be optimistic about in life rite...definitely...such as love, friendship, family, religion, the ability to feel, to think and to care...but there are definitely times when the difficulties in life actually start surfacing...However, I also know and understand how important it is to get over and through these difficulties...since they are what makes a person grow up...from a boy to a man..from a girl to a fine lady..and of course..i've been thru all these difficulties too...and like my parents always tell me "there are no difficulties in life that cannot be solved..there is ALWAYS a way..." Yes..there's always a way...but still the difficulties are so real...they are UNAVOIDABLE too...so that is why, regardless of all the optimism in life...being a human is just way too difficult..zuo4 ren2 heng3 nan2...

Well..i'll come up with some short examples..so u can relate to what i'm thinking about...

Have everyone noticed that when someone writes about what his/her 'hates' in their profiles in friendster...when they blog...in tags...on msn...there's something that appear most of the time... "I hate backstabbers!" "I hate Liars!" " I hate hypocrites!" But ppl who post these are actually hypocrites/liars/backstabbers themselves...and pls...dont come denying..cause even i myself dont dare to deny...lol..(Why do i sound so angry...just a word of assurance...i'm not..and i'm fully ok..and i'm not directing this at ANYONE at all..i swear..so no worries..i'm just voicing out some thoughts and feelings...so just read on if u're not bored..:P) But what i said still remain true...that there was definitely a time u talked about someone else...complained about someone else...and i'm sure it was NEVER just once...Just think...U talk about how much u hate liars/hypocrites..but deep inside u must already have an idea of who u are talking about...I mean...who would say "Eh the chilli from that chicken rice stall is too spicy" when u havent eaten anything from that stall rite? There must be someone in mind...who have acted this way in front of u...or even worse..he might have acted this way unto u..so let me just ask...can u be very sure u havent complained about this person? U havent talked to someone else about him? U havent convinced urself that he is that way? U say u hate him deep within...but u dont tell him...isnt that hypocritism by itself? See...we're all hypocrites...and if u say u hate liars...u must really hate yourself...lol...cause let us look DEEP inside our hearts..can we be sure we havent lied in our whole lives before? Even when we were a toddler...we've already started lying...but because we couldnt put it in words..so we cry instead...we weren't exactly sad...we were just stubborn and sought attention...thats the real reason y we actually cried...haha..we were such liars..lol..So the next time u complain how much u hate liars, hypocrites and backstabbers...think about how much of a liar, hypocrite and backstabber u are..lol..and of course..although we are all like that...there are definitely different degrees hypocritism and backstabbing...lets just say that most of us are of the lowest degree...while others are more towards the higher degrees...so for ppl who dont like ppl like that..TRY not to act like one..haha...but we will never be able to deny the fact that we are all like that...the only difference is..more or less...lol..so its so hard to be a person..U have to think so much about how u are like...or whether someone is like that to u..its so hard even to be nice..since humans do not really trust each other alot due to their super high intelligence...lol...sounds so pessimistic...dont worry...we all dont think that much most of the time...but we all know that these thoughts have always been at the back of our minds...haha...oh well...

Well of course there is also the part about expectations and misunderstandings...

We all expect things...we are greedy too...but we often deny them..hoping that we would leave good impressions...expectations are deadly...they often lead to disappointments for the expecting and immense stress to the expected...and even if we dont expect/are not expected..we have this fear in ourselves that we would not be able to live up to them...its complicating...but we all understand how that feels...I mean...if we study..why are we so upset when we do badly for exams? isnt it cause we had expected better results? Why do we work so hard and feel so sad if we get fired? isnt it cause we had expected ourselves to provide a good life for our families? And why do couples quarrel at times...isnt it cause of expectations? well at least for most cases....and of course its sometimes hard to fulfill these expectations cause we are unaware of them...and everyday we wake up hoping that we will be able to fulfill the expectations we have set for ourselves and also the expectations given to us by others....However, there are definitely times when with common understanding, we will be able to satisfy these expectations without even the other party voicing them out...but like i said...ppl are greedy...so ya...we all know what happens after that...lol...I think i'm really talking about life too pessimistically...Not everyone is like that...I myself know a few..including the person who has been making me happy nowadays...

After typing so much...i think i've vomitted enough things out...I'm really showed some pessimism there and felt that life is sometimes not that bad...althought these are the real facts in life - humans are not all pure...expectations are real..and its not easy being one... But as long as we cherish what we have..and treasure the moments...i'm sure these things can be kept deep behind our heads for as long as we can hold them...I just hope we can all learn to understand each other and think in each other's shoes so that everyone will be much happier ba...I mean...arent we all happier if the people around us are happier too?

:) Stay happy always ppl...I hope we can all get thru the difficulties in life...

CiaoZ~ "I wonder if the first paragraph still makes sense and persists...lol...cause it was 3 hours ago when i typed that...haha..." Take care all...