Well...it seems not many ppl visit my blog...so maybe that will mean i'll be free to say things that are more private already...well its hard for me...cause there are things that i just cant blog about..today i really feel like talking about it..but cause i cant really make this post "private" (or at least i dunno how to..) I'll still moderate what i say...true friends will understand...ppl close to me will too...so dont ask...just feel...

Sigh..i'm sure everyone has gone thru these b4...u do something...or u dont do something...only to regret after it has happened...u blame yourself...but its no use..u close your eyes and wish that things werent like that...but no..no one will ever hear your prayers...u look down at the water flowing down your body as you bathe...u wish that after showering...things will reset...just like how u would feel much fresher after u switch off the tap...however...thats not the case...things are still the same...u sit there and stone..u start to think...think of all the possibilities if u hadnt done that or if u had...but only to think "its too late" and regret again...u wish u had super powers to turn back time......................but time and tide awaits no man...u lose... well...i've been going thru this whole process...but things will never change..ok maybe a little...but still u think back and then u regret...rite? :(

Another one of these feelings is when u try hard to make someone happy..and u try really hard...and yes..u do succeed and everyone is happy...but one wrong move...and thats it..both parties are unhappy...but deep inside u know...its really not your fault..u had your reasons...but is it of any use? What does that person see? A reason? or an excuse? What about the things u've tried to do just to make that someone happy? Does that someone see it? I dunno....u blame yourself for doing that ONE thing...you ask yourself...why did things have to turn out this way...cant that ONE thing be forgotten? since u've done so much more other things that made that someone happy...its really hard to be an entertainer..."K" was right...the song "the entertainer" has a hidden meaning...somehow it makes u think of the person behind that smiling mask..i mean..who's happy all the time? I very xing ku..can someone just understand? You dont even have to cheer me up...u just have to understand...I just wan to talk about my problems..i just wan to show u my sad face...I just want to say...deep down inside...it hurts...but i cant...and u know y? cause i'm a stupid idiot...i believe that if i can make others happy..i'll be happy...i always tell ppl...ppl's happiness are more impt than mine...i act like i'm some hero...i act like i'm some great person who is never down...i put on a mask...and the mask is always smiling...i dance...i sing...i joke...i show my magic...i tease...i make fun of myself...i do stupid things to make myself look stupid...I let ppl make fun of me...just to make everyone happy.......i'm dumb rite? yes...dumb is the word...and what happens when i want to tell ppl how i feel deep down inside? They either dunno how to help me...or they dont like it when i'm down...and what happens? I smile and tell them..."haha its ok! Anw...u know that day............" there...another stupid joke...and everyone laughs...I'm just so helpless........and its sadder when things that i try hard to do for someone is not appreciated.......and forgotten just because of a small mistake....or something i really wasnt able to do.............i'm only a human u know? I've already tried............

There are even times i just wan to believe....that someday...someone will be my entertainer...but regardless of how much i put in...i always end up putting in too much and getting hurt in the end...y? i mean...is giving in too much wrong? is being really nice wrong? I really dunno...I just want to care...show concern...and love..but i always end up like this........hurt..tired..and neglected...its so hard......to be a zhixiang...

Hao le...thanks all for listening..i know this kind of post is not what u might like to see...u might even wonder y i keep rambling on and on about things that cannot be helped...but i'm only human...and i want to cry out as well.....even when my mask is on..........................